GUYS, this post has been a serious struggle to write.
Every year I write one of these reflection posts. And while it’s always one of my favorites to write it’s also always the hardest to write for a few reasons:
[ONE] How do I sum up a year???? Can I even put into words just how special, transformative, magical, exhausting and hard this year has been?
and [TWO] I haven’t had the time or energy this month to dig deep and reflect. But I’m going to try.
I hope blog posts like this don’t come off as too self absorbed. I know for me I really love reading and listening to end of year reflection blog posts / podcasts. The inspo for this blog post was sparked by listening to a bunch of “End of the Year” episodes from my favorite podcasts. It helped get the creative juices flowing.
Hopefully this blog post inspires you at the very least to take a step back and reflect. To remember just how far you’ve come in 2018.
Reflecting on 2018
I underestimated 2018.
My expectations for the year were low. I knew most of 2018 would be devoted to finishing grad school. Because of this I didn’t think there would be much room for fun things and opportunity. I figured my life would be consumed with school.
Yes, the first half of this year was all about school and finishing up my degree. But the second half ended up being all about building the foundation for future Kayla. Right now I am working my ass off to become a certified Bar Method instructor. The certification process is no joke! I am also working to build up my schedule as a full-time fitness instructor and I continue to grow this blog.
The building phase isn’t always fun or pretty or sexy. But that’s where I’m at right now.
Looking back at my intentions
My guiding word for 2018 was CONTENT — finding happiness in where I am. I chose this word thanks to grad school and knowing that for a good chunk of 2018 I’d be in school.
After changing my schedule I graduated a semester earlier than expected (YAY!). Even so, CONTENT still ended up being the perfect word for 2018.
By nature I am intense, driven and goal-oriented. I like to take action and make shit happen. Which is great but I am also learning how to find happiness in where I’m currently at. I’m learning to enjoy the process and not just obsess over the end goal.
What I Learned in 2018
Things will work out when they are supposed to. Okay, this is something I’ve always believed, but I was once again reminded of it this year.
Story time: I first auditioned to teach at the yoga studio y7 in summer 2017. After two rounds of auditions I didn’t get hired. In actuality it was a blessing in disguise. The next week I got hired as a yoga sculpt instructor at CorePower Yoga. I was able to focus my energy on growing as a sculpt instructor. I wouldn’t have been able to juggle teaching at CorePower Yoga and Y7 on top of being in grad school full-time.
This summer I auditioned at Y7 again. The week I finished grad school (and started freaking out about my career) I found out I got the job.
To trust my gut instinct about jobs, opportunities and people.
Your gut knows what’s up.
Not everyone is going to like me — and that’s okay. As a people-pleaser this has been a bitter truth to swallow. I want everyone to like me, my blog, my yoga classes. But that’s not how the world works. I can’t please everyone. And nor do I have to.
You gotta do what works for you. Being in the wellness world I’m constantly bombarded with all the cool trendy things I should be trying. The diets I should be trying. The funky supplements I should be adding to my coffee. All the natural beauty products I should be using.
This year I truly said Screw it! and just focused on what works for me.
It’s okay to slow down. Slowing down is hard but also necessary.
Not everyone is going to “get it.” Not everyone is going to understand my chosen career path. It’s not my job to convince them or change their opinion of me.
Being CONTENT is not the same as being complacent. I can be both happy with where I am but also ambitious AF. The two are not mutually exclusive.
I am more than a number. My worth as a blogger, yoga teacher, human is not defined by my number of followers on instagram. A number on a scale. Nor the number of people that attend my yoga classes.
My biggest struggles of 2018
And of course there are still many [many] things I struggled with this year:
I struggled with imposter syndrome as a yoga teacher. This feeling that I’m a total fraud and people are going to find out I can’t do crow pose. And they will think less of me as a yoga teacher because of it.
I struggled with not always feeling like enough.
I struggled with loneliness. This is something I’m scared to admit. I love my alone time [and crave it as an introvert] but I’ve also felt isolated this year because I’ve been so focused on work.
I struggled with my relationship to social media. Sometimes I love instagram. Sometimes I really really hate it.
I struggled with saying YES to too many things. And then I’d end up flaking when I realized I couldn’t do ALL the things.
I struggled with burn out and exhaustion. My voice is currently raspy AF thanks to teaching. And I’m tired.
I struggled with jealousy. Comparing myself to other bloggers / instagram-ers and yoga teachers.
I struggled with recurring medical issues. One of the top things on my to-do list in 2019 is to figure out WTF has been going on with my body. I know I’ve been very cryptic about this issue, but I’ll share more once I know what it is I’m dealing with.
Things I am Proud of From 2018:
I am proud of all the times I chose adventure over fear. Each time I did I learned that it’s SO worth it.
I am proud I finished grad school.
I am proud of how hard I’ve worked. Not that I’ve ever not worked hard. But I know at points this year I didn’t think I could get through “it”. It being busy weeks of teaching ALL the classes. That time I had to write 3 mega research papers for school in less than a month. And recently I know I’ve been burning the candle from both ends. But I’m here. I’m alive. And I am continuing to do the hard work.
I am also proud of all the lazy moments. The hours spent watching America’s Next Top Model. All the times I decided to sleep-in instead of workout. I know these are moments that most people wouldn’t brag about but dudes, I am proud of my lazy moments too! Introverts ( and all humans!) gotta recharge.
I am proud of my growth as a yoga teacher.
I am proud of my current relationship to exercise. This year on the exercise front I’ve focused a lot on listening to my body and the form of exercise it craves.
I am proud of the person I am becoming. I think I say this every year, but as I get older I feel like I continue to become more and more me. I get closer to being my true, authentic self always. And that person is pretty cool.
Thank you, next…
Last year at this time I was scared. I’m still scared. Like, scared shitless. But I also believe I am building the foundation now through hustling my ass off so that later things will be in flow.
2019, I am so freaking excited for you. Excited to start teaching at The Bar Method. Excited for new opportunities. To continue to grow into myself as a human. And excited for what’s ahead.
Peace out, 2018. You’ve been swell.